one word to describe myDay today - FUCK!!

ohNo.. it's FAILED..

i'm so excited!

failed one subject - PSY 201..

TAT felt good.. 

no more virgin.. fuckin'HIGH!! 

fuck me pls.. fuck me again.. fail me again?

who care?

on the bright side.. i'd know better bout "Advvanced Research Methodology"..

okay!! then pay de 1500 for cyrus.. 

oh fine!! i pay de 1500 n' get me de "D" okay??

i hate it.. fuckin'MAFAN!!!!!

why cant U just stop forcin' cute young boys likes cyrus to commit suicide?

wastin' my time!! sigh!!

lets jus indulge in watever i have at this moment..
FUCKFUCKFUCK!!

had keep havin' nightmare for couple weeks..
fuckin'stress.. HELP!!
thinned down a lot recently... yeah!! gettin' slimmer..
wat de fuck!! 
anyone wanna fuck cyrus?? it's FREE??

startin' to go crazy soon.. 
life suck.. live wit it cyrus!!

my days as a fultime begger has finally came to a closure..
de pretty 1week semBreak end..
surely now.. i'm goin' to plan for my newSem..
definitely workin' is also de major part of myLife..
to be honest.. i have no idea which subject i wan for this sem..
due to my results.. i cant really choose wat i wan to...
another issue was financial problem..
i know tat i have no enuf money to pay de schoolFee for more than 2subs for this sem..
mayb jus 1.. at least i have to take one..
in a nutshell.. i need more time for workin'..


basically i think i'm goin' to enrol for de only "child psychology"..
reason? mayb i'll jus given a pretty lame answer -bcos i like kids..


part of de first lecturer.. n' made me link to my niece..
"Joel was an undernourished n' severely neglected 9month-old..
when first placed in foster care..
as a 4year old .. he is now in his 5th foster home..
the foster parents have 2 daughters of their own..
their childrent are vigorous n' outgoin'..
joel..on de other hand..
is overly thin n' seem to have little energy even though he eats for more than de other childrens..
joel rarely joins in de other children's play n' he seldom talks..
yet..wen he thinks he is alone..
he talks wit an imaginary audience ..
usually about de thing he fears..
joel would also seize any opportunity to curl up in his foster parents lap..


wat do you want when you grow up?
de only answer is - cyrus so wan a HOME..
i'm pretty sure my niece will gives de same answer..
i felt this sudden bang in me tat makes me want to cry..
i felt so depressed de moment i heard tat..
wen my mom cal her ..
she said -"popo.. you wanna come n' take me home ah?
xiao xi is waitin' here ah.. xiao xi didnt cry.."
i know she was so sad while sayin' this..

i have so many personal things to say
but yet i can't seem to blog it down in here..
i'm strong? like shit only..
but i will never let people see de weak side of me..
so just let me weep my heart out..
n' jus leave me alone n' i'll keep myself busy..
i just refuse to think straight..
now i'm kinda lost.. where next?wat next?how next?


everythin' else is secondary..
i just need some peace..
my dear.. you guys are de first person i think of every mornin'..
n' de last person i think of at every end of each day..
in fact.. you guys are de only people i ever think of n' care..
i mis you so much my mom.. my bro .. my niece..
its amazin'.. de only them can make me feel complete..
lets just indulge in watever we have at this moment..


i wish there was somethin' i could do to make everythin' right again..
i hope tat i can make myself feel better from deep within..
smile n' laugh from my heart..
if only... i could make up for lost time..
all this just keeps goin' in n' out of my mind for this few years..
i want to do somethin' ..
n' i want to change somethin' but i don't know how to start..
even when i do know how to start...
i always can't seem to make it happen..
n' i can't seem to make things right again..
it's everything tat is in my life right now..

i hate myself deeply...